Over the years, I’ve worked with many clients facing conflict between team members. No matter the details, one issue consistently sits at the core: disrespect.
In workshop after workshop on navigating tough conversations, participants almost always identify “feeling disrespected” as the key frustration behind their workplace tensions. And often, their emotional response to that perceived disrespect becomes so strong that it overshadows everything else. Anticipating this, many participants now come prepared to name a second need they believe is being unmet—often an attempt to soften or redirect that emotional charge.
But the damage is already done. When one person feels disrespected by another, emotional energy gets drained. Productivity suffers. Morale dips. And more often than not, leaders are pulled in to play referee.
So, what’s going on here? Why is disrespect such a stubborn and widespread cause of workplace drama?
It starts with this truth: respect is a core human need. When it feels threatened, it’s hard to let go of the offense.
But here’s where things get complicated. Ask 100 people what behavior feels disrespectful at work, and you’ll likely get 100 different answers.
Let’s look at a couple of examples:
Is showing up late to meetings disrespectful? Many would say yes. But plenty of thoughtful, respectful professionals routinely show up late—not out of disregard, but because they’re finishing important discussions elsewhere. In some organizations, it’s not even considered unusual.
Is going to someone’s supervisor with a concern—rather than speaking directly to the person—disrespectful? Some would certainly say yes. Yet in many workplaces, that’s the norm. It’s not always about avoidance; sometimes it’s just how the culture has evolved.
These examples reveal a critical insight: respect is subjective. What one person sees as disrespect, another sees as standard behavior. And because our perception of disrespect is more about us than the other person, it’s easy for misunderstandings to spiral.
So what can leaders do?
Start by naming the dynamic. Make your team aware that disrespect isn’t always about bad intent—it’s often about interpretation.
Here are a few ways to begin:
Bring the topic into a team meeting or offsite.
Host a short, guided discussion or workshop.
Coach team members individually when this comes up in 1:1s.
Encourage a shared understanding: Disrespect is a story we tell ourselves, not an objective truth. When we recognize this, we’re less likely to get stuck in conflict—and more able to focus on meaningful work and connection.
If you’re a leader who’s navigating conflict on your team, or if this idea of “disrespect as a story” resonates with you, let’s connect and discuss how to move your team forward.
