Communication training isn't just about better communication. It brings more value than that.
As a leadership coach for educators, I regularly work with teachers and principals on communication skills to prepare for an upcoming difficult conversation, and often something interesting happens:
During the follow-up coaching session, my clients report that they chose not to have the difficult conversation that we painstakingly prepared for in our last session. Yet, they report, they are feeling great about the situation. All the frustration and resentment they were initially feeling is gone.
What’s going on here?
First, let’s back up. I’ve written before about how much of people’s dissatisfaction at work is due to unresolved interpersonal conflict and how often people lack the skill and will to work through these conversations. Thus, much of my work revolves around helping clients develop communication skills and mindsets to prepare them for potentially difficult conversations.
So why would these educators choose not to actually have the difficult conversation, yet report feeling much better about the situation?
Typically, in coaching sessions focused on interpersonal conflict, I use tools from a few communication frameworks (Nonviolent Communication, Radical Candor, and Crucial Conversations). All of these frameworks share a few core tools:
➡️ Distinguishing between the observable facts of what happened and the interpretations we create
➡️ Listening deeply and empathetically to the other person even when you disagree
➡️ Asking directly for what you want and being open to alternative ways forward
When we work with tools like this, a number of magical things happen:
People see that how they perceive the situation is not object reality—it is how they have interpreted what happened, often with a lot of blame and judgment towards the other person.
People become more aware of their emotions, more accepting of their emotions, and less attached to their emotions.
People are able to see the situation from the perspective of the other person.
People get clear about what they actually want from the other person and why it is important to them.
So, here’s the answer to our initial big question of why people feel better when they prepare for a difficult conversation that they never have:
Communication work builds self-awareness, perspective, and clarity. It brings people a sense of peace before they’ve even had the conversation with the other person, whether they ever have that conversation, and even if they try to have the conversation and it goes poorly.
That’s it's real value.
What should you do with this insight?
Get formal training with communication. Nonviolent Communication, Crucial Conversations, and Radical Candor are great places to start and frameworks that I use regularly with clients.
If you're a leader, provide this support to your staff. Just know that it doesn't mean that you or your staff members are going to have every possible difficult conversation around every issue—and that’s a good thing. The value they get out of it will go deeper than the difficult conversations themselves.
Have you had this experience or seen it in those you lead? Share questions, comments, and challenges in the comments below.
